Chapter 1

...people who don't know what to do, and never try to change, will never see their situation improve.

Chapter 1: Start Where You Are

Struggling with low self esteem can feel like a trap.  The steps to recovery seem like the exact opposite of what you are able to do. You want help but you’re afraid to ask. You know you need to be around people but you feel stuck and alone. 

I started looking for answers when I felt pretty low and finally got tired of it. I had lost a job and a relationship. I went to therapy and felt a little better, my therapist was kind but I was frustrated that I couldn’t find complete answers. 

I started reading and I found two extremes: lots of clinical-sounding Freudian text, and lots of simple cheerleading telling me ‘you can do it!’. I don’t have blind faith. I can’t chant or pray my problems away. 

I ended up feeling better by doing a mix of things. I read some information that gave me ideas on how to think a certain way. I got some ideas by listening to people. I examined other people’s lives to try to find parallels to my situation. The more I knew the better I felt. I am going to tell you about this mix of information that helped me start to feel better. 

The Garage Sale

I call this the garage sale, and I know this sounds pretty terrestrial after talking about rocket fuel and blasting into a new orbit. But humor me, you are going to clear out the old junk in your head and give yourself more room to move around. This will make you lighter for your flight ahead. 

The theory works like this: you figure out where you are, you find your place on the ‘map’ of your life. You may be surprised that where you really are is different than where you THINK you are. 

Take everything you have that relates to your memories and feelings and lay it out in front of you, just like you would in a garage sale. Take your notes and photos and emails, the old letters stuck in closets and in boxes under your bed, pictures and files on your oldest computers, even the floppies, print them and organize them on the floor of your room. Take any other objects that have personal meaning of any kind and lay them out in front of you. Do this just like you would empty your cluttered garage on to your driveway for a Saturday sale. 

Now sort everything out. Do it any way you want, just put these items into some kind of order that makes sense to you. 

You will start to see a few things. First, you may have a lot of stuff to sort out. Next you will see that a lot of what you thought was important doesn’t seem so important now. We tend to hold on to lots of thoughts and ideas that simply don’t mean too much in the long run. But this is all good, you want it on the floor and out of your head so you can organize it. 

The Battle  Plan

This battle for self esteem isn’t just a nuisance that you cure quickly in order to get over it. Instead, it is like fighting for your health, and the reason we fight for our health is a fight to keep time. We fight for time because we have things left undone in life. Your life and time are important and you want to make the most of them. 

The objects in front of you probably represent mostly unstructured thoughts, things you wrote about randomly as they came to you, or things you saw or remembered. You might have photos or letters from other people. They were important once upon a time. What we’ll try to do now is insert some structure and attach the right meaning to these emotions and feelings. 

Reboot Your Brain

I learned this skill from a guy named John Reese. You can Google his name and find out more about him. The idea is that we worry about so many small details and carry so many small tasks around that our minds become cluttered. Our brain slows down like an overloaded computer does until you reboot it. We are going to store the minute random thoughts away in a safe place so we can free up some brain disk space. 

Ok, so you have this mess in front of you on the floor. What to do next? The first thing to do is to get three note pads and a good pen. You will also need a free day without distraction or interruption. (If you don't have a full day, try to shoot for at least one free hour -that will be a good place to start.) 

Take your first legal pad and start writing down everything that you need to do in your life. These things are your To Do List, it may be made up of things like bills you need to pay, calling an old friend, taking a course you’ve always wanted to sign up for, find a new job, lose weight, go to the dentist, etc. 

Write down everything in your head that you know that you need to do. You are going to exhaust your brain and empty out all the personal things or business things, everything you can possibly think of that you need to do. Don’t try to type this on your computer. You need to physically write this exercise out. 

You can use the material on the floor in front of you as a resource as you go through this process. These things should remind you of important thoughts and feelings and you can include them as you work through this process. When you’re done take a walk and a break and get away from it all for a few minutes. 

Next, take out your second legal pad (this has to be a new legal pad, not the same one) and write down everything that you can possibly think of that you want to have in your life. This is your Want List. Write down the things, cars,clothes, diamonds, televisions, the house in the country, the career, the children, the body image, the romantic partner, etc etc., everything that you want to have in your life. Don't stop writing until you can't think of anything else that you want. EXHAUST these things from your brain. Take another break. 

Finally, take the third legal pad. This will be your Fears List. Again, it has to be a separate pad, not just a few pages later in the other pad, this list is different from the first two so make it physically different by using a new pad. Write down your fears, everything… losing your job, losing money, losing a relationship, snakes, heights, shadows, death… whatever the things are that cause you to be afraid. 

When you're done with the third pad close it and stack them all up. I want you to read all of your entries, out loud to yourself, in the order that you've written them. If you think of new things as you’re reading, write them down. 

Examine your Fears List entries and think of the possible solutions that can fix them. If you can think of things to do to alleviate your Fears List then put them on your To Do List and scratch them off the Fears List. 

Examine your Want List and think of the possible solutions you can take to acquire them. If you think of things that you can do, or things that you fear while going through this process add them to those lists. The final step is to go back to your To Do List and prioritize everything on it numerically. 

Go through this process until you have read all three lists out loud to yourself. When you have read them all and adjusted your priorities and reassigned tasks to the lists you will have a clearer understanding of where you are and what you need to do. 

Write down the dates as you accomplish the tasks on your To Do List. Cross off each line item as you accomplish the tasks on this list. 

There is no shame or judgment in any of your lists. Everything you have done or wanted or feared in your life has created a valuable experience that you can learn from. Ourgoal is to get these thoughts out of our heads and put them in front of us so we can learn how to work on them. Next, we will ‘learn how to learn’.

Timing

Don’t wait to do this. The steps that you need to take on your To Do List are just as easy to accomplish whether you do them five years from now or tomorrow. Time, in and of itself, does not change anything –so don’t wait. 

You can start to change any part of your life immediately. There is no need to wait while you plan or hope for someone else to come along and give you more information before you can begin to change. 

A big step in this process is to accept that change may not make logical sense to you. This may a big challenge to overcome, but don’t look for logic in processing these thoughts. Try to simply accept that the next thing in your sequence of recovery is ACTION. All that matters is what works. 

Process Your Losses

A lot of times we are so quick to cover up our unhappiness that we never begin to see how deep it really goes. When this happens we miss out on the meaning and learning that exists in our experiences. We get stuck in sadness and forget to learn. 

We don’t want to get stuck in pain. But we do want to bring painful thoughts and experiences to the surface so we can understand them and find healing and closure. We can do this too, by creating a list. 

Start by listing your greatest losses from the top of the page and work your way down. Don’t worry about style or prose, just get it all down on paper, get it all out. You might have a current loss, or you may have stuff tangled in your past. Just start from wherever you are. 

Once you have skimmed the surface, you should divide your list into rough categories like ‘relationship’, ‘opportunity’, ‘dreams’. Divide these by what feels most important to you. 

When you read your list, think about each loss and write down its details. Remind yourself what happened. You may be surprised to find that the losses you thought were the most important really aren’t. There may be something from the past that emerges as a powerful pull on your emotions. 

For each loss on your list ask your self a question: “What did I really lose?” Write these answers down too. Go through each loss and ask yourself a series of other questions too: 

“What did I really lose?”
       ”Why did I lose it?”
       ”Have I healed from it”
       ”Will I ever heal from it?”
       ”Do I want to heal from it?”
       ”What lessons have I learned about myself?”
       ”Have I stopped blaming myself”?
       ”What can I do to be more accepting of myself?” 

Next, you should talk to yourself in a friendly way. Just the same way you would if you were helping your best friend through a tough time. Ask yourself these questions and listen to your own answers. As you process the answers write them down. You are not trying to created some record of events, instead the writing will help you process your feelings: 

“Am I still angry?”
       ”Why do I chose to hold on to these losses?”
       ”Do I still expect unrealistic outcomes from these losses?”
       ”What would help me let go of my negative feelings?” 

When you act as your own friend you will look at yourself in a different way. You will likely be less blaming than you normally are. It is not smart to be critical of ourselves and blame ourselves for losses. This blame is usually just a habit from our past and there is little to gain from it. You wouldn’t blame your friend if you were listening to him tell you of a loss. Don’t blame yourself either. 

The Game

This whole process is just a game. Learn to be better at the game you’re choosing to play. Everything in life is linear, you move from one point to another in small steps. All dollars are earned one at a time, all weight is lost one pound at a time, all books read page by page, etc. 

Since you were drawn to this book, you have an interest in overcoming the struggle you have with depression or low self esteem. This puts this whole process into a measureable challenge that you can overcome. If you do enough things right you can ‘win’. You’re in the game and you can win it. 

Keeping Score In The Game

Have you ever considered why people are attracted to things like power, fame, and money? Is it those things themselves or is it the reasons behind why people acquire wealth and power? 

Successful people have learned the reasons behind why these things are attractive. They then use these reasons to psych themselves up to get what they want out of life. They make it a game, and then they play hard and try to win the game. 

An example of this is attractive people. Attractive people are viewed as having better personalities than those less physically attractive. This iswhy celebrities are used to endorse things on TV, even though they have no real experience or expertise in evaluating the product. People grant them automatic status. Scientists actually refer to this as the Halo Effect. But still, it’s just a game. 

The Dark Side Of Winning

There can be a reverse side to this, call it the negative-Halo. Things judged to have a single undesirable trait (whether real or not) are judged to have many poor traits. One single weak point makes us believe that the whole item (or person) is negative. We suffer acutely when we do this to ourselves. We are not rich, so we must be ‘bad’. We are not tall, so we must be ‘unattractive’. People with low self esteem attach these negative-halo effects to themselves. More of the ‘game’.    

There is no logic to this, no facts that we can verify, we simply accept these feelings as valid. When it works to our favor things are great, but when the opposite happens, we are confused and lost, and without logic to help us find the way out we stay confused. 

We are naturally attracted to the positive halo events, and we hold in contempt the negative ones. We do this by nature, not logic, and we do it without really being in control of it when it happens. There is a structure to how this process works, and if you learn the structure you will be more successful at controlling your feelings and outlook. 

Motives Beneath The Surface

Every thought or behavior you have has some positive intention behind it. Fear, anger or drama may cause you to seek out an improvement in your life. Jealousy may inspire you to reach for what you do not have. Resentment may be pivotal in you changing your pursuit of something worthwhile and challenge you to improve your effort. 

Don’t get discouraged when you encounter motives you don’t understand. These are just ways people play the game. People have been dealing with these challenges forever, now is just your time in the game. Even if this is all new to you and other ‘players’ seem more experienced it’s ok. 

Childhood

We should always seek to be aware of everything that we encounter in everyday life. We behave in exact accordance with what we see, hear, smell, taste and touch. This is primarily the way in which self-esteem was established when we were little, and it’s the same now. 

Self-esteem has long been considered an important element of emotional health. As such, it encompasses self-acceptance as well as self-confidence. Essentially, self-esteem is the way in which we perceive ourselves and our self-value in the game.  

Our self-esteem can also impact the way in which we perform the tasks that are important to us. In children, self-esteem is shaped by the way they feel and think about themselves. Children with higher levels of self-esteem generally are able to more easily handle conflicts as well as resist negative pressures and make friends. Children with high-self esteem will smile and laugh more while maintaining a more optimistic view of their lives and their world.  

Consequently, children with low self-esteem frequently have a more difficult time coping with problems and may experience higher degrees of self-criticism. These children are more withdrawn, passive and depressed. Children with low self-esteem can be hesitant to try new things and may speak in a negative fashion about themselves. They may become easily frustrated and commonly view even temporary problems as conditions which are permanent. This pessimistic attitude frequently translates over to their entire lives.  

Our sense of self-esteem comes from parental behavior and attitudes. Parents who provide supportive behavior such as praise and encouragement are more likely to raise children with higher levels of self-esteem. Most of the psychological pain and discomfort people experience as adults is based in a state of low self esteem. Most people understand a general concept of self esteem, but few people grasp its full importance.  

In this book I will show you how self esteem problems get started and how to pursue their resolution. It is my goal to show you: 

§           what self-esteem is, and how it was formed in you 

§           how self-esteem affects you in your everyday life 

§           some of the effects of having low self-esteem (LSE) 

§           how others have coped with LSE 

§           some of the solutions you can use to work out your own LSE issues 

Do not be discouraged if you have been to therapy and still feel confused. Many therapists have difficulty discerning the complex nature of LSE. They simply follow tried and true diagnostic techniques. They just do not understand its importance. They are in their own ‘game’.  

Health professionals must adhere to the financial considerations of managed care. This means diagnosing quickly using standard accepted practices. Long-term therapy does not fit this model of care, but long-term therapy is the very fix required for treatment of LSE. 

Self-esteem is essentially the way in which an individual accepts, likes, and respects himself as a person. It is the unique picture he carries in his head, subjectively based on his perception. It is not necessarily the perception shared by others. 

There are certain characteristics that are common to low self-esteem. An individual with low self-esteem will commonly: 

§           Put down his or her own talents 

§           Feel powerless 

§           Feel as though others do not value him or her 

§           Be easily influenced by other people 

§           Avoid situations which might cause the person to feel anxious 

§           Express a small range of emotions 

§           Become easily frustrated and defensive 

§           Blame others for their own lack of strength 

Low self-esteem has a strong connection with a low satisfaction in life as well as anxiety, loneliness, irritability, resentment and depression.  

In direct contrast to low self-esteem, there are also specific characteristics which are attributed to high self-esteem. These characteristics include: 

§           Assumption of responsibility 

§           Ability to act independently 

§           Willingness to approach new challenges 

§           Proud of accomplishments 

§           Tolerates frustration well 

§           Exhibits a wide range of emotions 

§           Feels capable of leading and influencing others 

Individuals with high self-esteem frequently experience success throughout school, have a positive sense of their own self worth and attractiveness and have a strong sense of internal control.  

Don’t criticize yourself either way, you were taught this at a young age and you were probably a very studious learner.  

How Babies Learn

Little babies have no skills, they have to learn everything. They learn who to trust as they learn how to survive. Crying brings them food and attention and ultimately comfort. This learning process continues for the first years of our lives. 

You may not even remember how you learned these skills. Chances are good that you probably don’t. If you can accept this you will begin to understand the importance of the external programming we receive. 

It is essential that children feel secure and safe in order to develop the self-confidence that will serve them later in life. When you are a baby and you are comforted by a parent, when someone responds to your needs and your cries, when someone plays and talks with you, you immediately understand that you are important and loved. This forms the very core of self-confidence. 

Babies who are confident are able to freely learn and explore because they have the self assurance that someone who loves them will always be there for them. When a baby crawls away in order to explore, they know that someone will always be waiting for them should they need anything. 

When a baby sees delight on the faces of their parents when they make a new discovery or when they master a new skill, it makes them want to explore and learn more. Being confident also allows babies to more easily move into group situations later on, including child care as well as school. Babies who are assured of love and who are confident in themselves are able to carry that important sense of security with them regardless of where they go. 

Even when a young baby masters a new skill, he or she is also learning something else important according to the reactions of his or her caregivers. If the parent responds by praising the child, “Good! You learned to say your name!” then the child will automatically develop a sense of competence and feel successful. Encouragement, affection and approval from parents are essential in the development of self-esteem, self-worth and self-value. 

When a parent is negative, critical, discouraging or abusive then the child will receive the message that he or she is not good enough. They will commonly begin to feel as though there is something wrong with them and that they do not measure up to the parent’s expectations. 

It is important to point out that children do not have an identity that is separate from that of their parents. Their entire identity is completely tied to their parents. Children develop their own image of self by learning it from their parents. Children are completely and utterly dependent upon the adults in their lives to provide them with a foundation of self-esteem. 

The adults in a child’s life serve as their role models for everything that is good in life as well as how they will view themselves in the future. 

However, when a parent is critical, negative, discouraging or abusive, the child gets the message that he is not good enough, that there is something inherently bad about him and that he is defective in some way. Parents are essentially the first mirror that a child has for viewing himself or herself. If the image that the child receives in the eyes of her parents is good then she will automatically begin to feel good about herself and develop a positive sense of self-esteem. If the child develops a bad image from the way in which their parents see them or react to them then the child will consequently develop a lower sense of self-esteem.  

Self Esteem is Entirely a Thinking Process

As we search our options for feelings and actions as adults, we use the reference points that were established when we were children. This is entirely a thinking process, there is no physical exchange taking place. 

Remember that self-esteem is essentially the core belief that you hold about yourself. A healthy self-esteem enables you to react in a responsible fashion as well as cooperate with others, cope effectively with difficulties and have the confidence to try new experiences. The very foundation of self-esteem is solidly established during childhood and continues to develop as a lifelong process. 

It must be noted that parents serve as the most important influences on the self-esteem of a child. It is parents and other care-givers that promote a healthy self-esteem in a child by initiating a sense of belonging as well as contributing and learning. This sense of belonging assists a child in participating in exploring and learning new things, helps him or her to feel more confident in making contributions to society at large and helps to form a secure sense of belonging. 

When a child develops an unhealthy sense of self-esteem, they will experience problems throughout the rest of their life. These problems may include difficulties with other people, mental health issues and a lack of confidence. 

What may appear to be insignificant events to a parent can actually form the basis for low self-esteem in a child. Childhood is the most vulnerable stage for the development of self-esteem. It is during this time that we form a sense of who we are and how others see us. How a parent sees a child and how they respond to a child sets the stage for how the child will see himself both as an individual and as a part of relationships. 

Positive Relationships

The more positive feedback we receive at this early stage, the better ‘library’ of events we have to source from. When we have a positive sense of self worth from the positive relationships in our lives it make it much easier to cope with problems and negative experiences in the future with a sense of resiliency. 

The major sources of input are parents. As we have previously learned, parents form the critical building blocks of self-esteem and self-worth in children. When a child grows up believing that they are not valuable in the eyes of their parents because of the way in which their parents have responded to their needs and their accomplishments, they form the misconception early on that they are not valuable to others. Just remember that your parents had parents, and they too had parents, and we/they were all taught how to play the game before we really understood what it all meant. Some of us never understand. 

Continue now by listing below your memories of your parents. Write them down. Try to remember the first things your parents taught you or told you. It is helpful if you can separate the memories of your mother and father, but it is not essential. List these memories as best you can. 

I remember this about my father: 

1.      disciplinarian, there was never reasoning or explanations, just punishment 

2.      always away, either at work, or drinking when home, he never spoke to me 

3.      he always complained about his job and the authority above him 

4.      he always preferred my sister, I was the last boy, she was the only girl 

5.      he left me unprepared, almost as if he had little interest in my success later in life 

I remember this about my mother: 

1.      meek and powerless around my father 

2.      a caretaker to my father, probably codependent 

3.      very kind, but unmotivated, I also felt unprepared for the world by her 

4.      unhappy and powerless, stuck with her lot in life 

5.      my model of authority, she was the grounded center for my childhood 

We also get some input from siblings. In some cases even when parents demonstrate self-worth appropriately to a child, there can also be other influences in our lives that can help to shape the way we view ourselves. Beyond our parents, the other most important single element in the development of self-worth can be from our siblings. 

Most siblings experience some form of sibling rivalry from time to time. Even in the closest of families, siblings tend to vie for parental attention and other ‘rewards’ from time to time. In some families sibling rivalry can become quite intense and even good natured teasing can reach the point that it causes a child to begin to question their own sense of self-worth. This can be particularly problematic when the sibling in question is an older brother or sister to whom the child looks up and respects. 

The relationship that the parents have with siblings can also affect a child’s sense of self-esteem as well. While parents may not overtly display negative behavior toward a child, the way in which they behave toward siblings can also send a clear, if silent, message. The child may begin to feel as though their parents love another sibling more or have more confidence in the abilities and talents of another sibling. This can be a dangerous situation as it shapes the child’s view of his or her own self value and worth that can continue well into adulthood. 

Beyond our parents and our siblings, another source of input that can play a tremendous role in the development of self-esteem is our teachers. From the moment we enter school, we look to our teachers for a certain degree of self value. Teachers who are encouraging and who demonstrate to a childthat they believe in the child will provide positive input that will serve the child well throughout life. When a teacher belittles a child or provides some other form of negative input, it can have the same results as a parent or sibling providing negative input.  

This is because children see teachers in a role of particular importance and leadership that is only secondary to that of their parents. Although many teachers may not realize it, they hold a strong ability to shape the way a child sees himself well into the future. 

Understanding the many different people who can provide input into our lives as a child and the way in which that input can form our own opinion of our sense of self-worth and value is a key element in beginning to reverse the process of low self-esteem. 

   ***end of preview***

       Thank you for previewing a little part of the book.  I hope it helps you get an idea of how it can help you find some answers.

       The best part is you don't have to wait for this book to come in the mail, or drive to a store to get it. You can download it to your computer right now for only $47.

You'll Also Get Four Additional Bonuses

         When you get the book, scan it a couple of times and read the parts that jump out at you right away--then go back and read it cover to cover.

       Next, read the three bonus booklets and then try some of the techniques. You'll notice a difference right away, and it will encourage you to try some of the other ideas.

       Whatever happens, you'll use this reference library constantly as you're learning how to be confident and successful.

       Here's a recap of what you're going to get:
 

"PowerEsteem" The reference manual for how to be successful in breaking bad habits and building esteem

Bonus 1
"Intimidation -- How Being Intimidated Can Be Used To Your Competitive Advantage" I address the three types of people in the world - and how they each try to intimidate you differently.
 

Bonus 2
"Unconditional Love -- How To End The Endless Search" I'll show you how we learn about love, and teach you how to stop feeling unlovable and offer unconditional love in return.
 

Bonus 3
"The Process of Change" I explain how to develop your daily routine in simple steps you need to take to embark on a new, healthier lifestyle.

     Not only are you getting the full program when you order today (at a knock down price) but for a limited number of orders I will also be giving you my private email address for direct questions and coaching. You will get unlimited one-to-one coaching from me should you request it. This offer, which is normally priced at $150 per hour, is absolutely free for a limited quota of people today so order soon.

And there is even more, the audio file is included too...

  Bonus 4
  "Rejuvenate Your Life From Within" MP3 audio file.

These extra bonuses are worth over $450.

And you'll get all of them for FREE, just for TRYING my eBook...
Click this button to download PowerEsteem Now:

                      To your health and success,
                                     
                               Michael Mack
 
P.S. Every tip, strategy, and technique that I share with you in this book is a PROVEN winner.  Y ou have a 100% satisfaction guarantee - if you're not happy, YOU DON'T PAY. This is truly a 100% risk- free offer.

If you have any questions or technical problems with our website or your order, just send an email here: support@poweresteem.com  and  we'll get back to you with an immediate answer.

  Our Affiliate Program